i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
