I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
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