Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
