Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
Randomize
