I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
The air taste purple.
Randomize