Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
is it bad that i kinda- ok, reallyyy don't remember having sex with him last night?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
