I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
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