I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Randomize
