Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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