He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
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