I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Randomize
