Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
Randomize
