i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Randomize
