i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
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