glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
