It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
