Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
