Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
