Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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