with your own penis?
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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