12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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