Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
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