I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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