I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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