id fuck shawn from boy meets world only if we could name the baby topanga.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Shame - the story of my life.
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