help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
