i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
I love you. Go after that dick
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
