Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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