You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
