I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
