My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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