Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
