and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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