someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
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