Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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