i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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