ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
Randomize
