You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
how does that bad decision feel?
Randomize
