New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
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