I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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