I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
Randomize
