Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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