One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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