How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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