Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Randomize
