I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
