She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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