Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
