the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
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