I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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