Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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