Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Randomize
