Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
Randomize
