Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
