This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
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