he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
