You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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